Generational introspection

Jul. 24th, 2017 09:58 pm
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[personal profile] carmenbeaudry
Nothing like going through old family pictures with your mother and your daughter to make one introspective. In no particular order:

My mother is old. I have known and internalised this fact for many years, however she is now starting to have trouble remembering, losing things and other cognative problems. Nothing horribly major, but enough to notice. It struck me today that I have had many mothers throughout the years, as her life and mine changed and our relationship changed with time. The mother that I had in high school no longer exists except in my memory. The mother that helped to raise my children, the mother that then moved across the state when my sister's children were born, those are gone, too. The mother I have now is in some ways easier to deal with than those others, but then, I suspect that the me she's dealing with now is much easier than the sulky teen or the harassed young mother.

I am still in mourning for the loss of previous generations of my family. Not so much my grandparents and great-grandparents, but looking at old pictures of the 8 siblings of my grandmother's generation and realizing that only one is still alive, made me choke up. I miss my great-aunts. Because of generational overlap between my mother and her aunts and uncles, they were always more like her siblings, and therefor my aunts and uncles, rather than greats.

My daughter is an amazingly capable woman. I don't think I was ever as capable even before I became disabled. She is truly a force of nature.

I need my home, my husband, my dog and my friends. The last week has been difficult in ways I never anticipated. My sister and brother-in-law have a lovely home, I enjoyed spending time with Mama, and when they go on vacation again I will come and stay with her. But, it takes a toll on me.

Classic Secrets

Jul. 15th, 2017 09:03 pm
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Posted by Frank

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I always thought I’d too commit suicide one day, but I haven’t. I hope you haven’t either. Funny thing is that no matter how painful I find my own existence, when I see others saying such things all I want to do is help and let them know how wonderful, beautiful, and meaningful they are. Frank. should you read this and want to share any of it, you have full permission to use my name: Caitlin Pennington.




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